Ok this post is two fold.
Here is the first fold:
Yesterday we set up inside the Walmart because it was all cold and such outside. The manager gave us our own special place by the entrance catty corner to the Walmart. I noticed a significant amount of Amish folk shopping in the Walmart which I found to be a little odd. I do not claim to know much about the Amish culture, but I just kind of assumed that shopping at Walmart did not really jive with their way of life. But stranger still I saw several groups of Amish sitting and dining at the McDonalds within the Walmart. Now this made the wires in my head start to fizzle and snap. And then it came to me. The only logical explanation. Amoids. Rebel Robotic Amish Androids are the the only logical explanation. Either that or some sort of invasion of the body snatchers scenario. But I like the android theory better so I am sticking to it.
Ok here is fold numero deuce:
Mercury is in retrograde. Lisa informed us that whenever this astrological event occurs, everything gets all wacky. Well after our evening we had to call her and ask if Mercury was in retrograde. Alas, we we’re unable to obtain a suitable cell phone connection to have this conversation because apparently one of the effects of Mercury being in retrograde is all of the electronic devices get their panties in a bunch. But here are a few of the reasons we thought the stars may be getting all jiggy.
First off we had an old guy put our rep in a headlock today. That was just cool and isn’t necessarily related in anything else in this post.
We had to go to three hotels before finding a suitable one. Started at a Motel 6 had gone as far as checking in, but forgot to ask if they had wi-fi. They did not, but had been kind enough to hook us up with the Jeffery Dahmer suite which had odd splotches all over the floor that we first thought were roaches, then to our relief realized were only dead hooker stains. We checked back out and went to the next hotel. They had a big banner advertising that they offered free breakfast AND a car wash with your stay. I asked if they had free wi-fi in the rooms, but alas they did not. They did offer dial up for 50¢ a call as long as you had your own provider and laptop. Now I’m no network administrator, but I’m pretty sure that translates into “We have a phone line out and we charge you 50¢ to use it.” I saw a Holiday Inn across the street and said OK we are staying there I don’t care how much it costs.
So we go check in and it turns our they are having a republican party in the ballroom. Undeterred we go to our room and it looks nice, big bed, clean couch, urine stains on the toilet seat… Wait back up a sec. Yep thats urine all over the toilet seat. Now I am not one to generally complain much, nor am I above wiping some piss off the seat. But I just paid $80 for a room and I don’t think I should have to deal with it. So we decide to go to the bar and have a drink and I stop by the front desk and apologize for being “one of those people”, but there’s piss on our seat and maybe while we are in the bar they could have someone come by and wipe it off. The girl at the desk says she will will change our room. I tell her that’s not necessary as that is just more hassle, just have someone pop in and wipe it down, no biggie. So we go have our drinks and Anilia gets a glass of water. We are sipping and chatting and simultaneously look down and realize that her glass is leaking a puddle that is slowly creeping it’s way across the table. It was at this point Anilia put the call into Lisa to check on the retrograde status, but being positive her cell phone chose to reach for new levels of suckiness and not function well at all. So we leave the bar and stop by the republican ballroom as we heard they have a carboard cutout of Dubbya in there. The party has wrapped up and we ask the ladies cleaning up if Dubbya is still around for us to play with and maybe take some incriminating photos with. But we are too late, he is gone. We head back to the room expecting to find a sparkly clean toilet seat and to our chagrin it is in the same piss poor state. So Anilia goes back up to the desk to complain some more and this time accepts the relocation to a new room. It is just as nice as the last one and even has a clean toilet seat.
But I think there are some Ahmoids running around with a cardboard cutout of Dubbya looking for a McDonald’s to base their revolution out of until this whole Mercury in retrograde thing blows over.